My Christmas Wishes

Super random Christmas wishes. Whatever I like that comes to my mind ;)

First of all, I thank God because he already gave me this precious Christmas gift I never expected and thought of. Honestly, I can't think of anything to wish for at this moment because I'm already contented with what He has done for that special person and for me as well. See, the moment I think He's doing nothing turned out to be the moment He's doing the most. I'm finally free of this feelings I had for several months. It was a struggle yet He didn't allow me to end this year still stuck on it. 

So, what more could I possibly ask and wish for this Christmas? Hmm. Let's see.

1. I want to maintain my figure. Haha. Because I have a grad pic next year! I'm worried. I feel so bloated! My cheeks are getting fatter! I'm not sure if they really are getting fatter or I'm just getting too paranoid. Ugh.  Say no to my cravings!!! Which is, as of this moment, RAMEN. I satisfied my cravings last night and they were chocolates :|

2. I want new shoes. Like, shoes that I could wear in school everyday. Sneakers. That's probably the best shoes I want to receive. I have barely used high-heels in my closet but I don't wear them in school. Please. 

3. Swimwear. A sexy one. Haha. Kidding. What's the use of my work-out anyway? LOLS. Seriously, I want to swim this Christmas. The weather is so hot! It's unusual.

4. Dress. Lots of dresses and girly clothes. Whatever you call them. Hihi. I wish to become more girly next year and change my style Though I can't imagine myself wearing a dress during normal days in school. *sigh* Let's see then.

5. I already received this necklace and key pendant that I want from Silverworks. Well, because that was what I wished for in our exchange gift in CIRCA Christmas party. What else do I want? I love accessories. But I'm contented now :)

6. Money. Haha. So that I'll be able to give presents to my loved ones too. I can't wait to graduate and earn moneeeyyy!! :D

7. Love. Peace. Joy. Salvation. For everyone. I pray that people would come to realize that the true essence of Christmas is about the love of Christ. It's not about material things though they're part of it, let us not dwell on these temporal things alone. Give love on Christmas day! <3

Yesterday in SM Marikina I heard a woman in her 30's, I think, ranting about how her make-up is better than her friend's. I just laughed as she talked about brands like Mac and ahmm, I don't actually know those brands. Haha. Seriously? Friends talk behind each other's backs just about make-up brands?

How I wish I won't end up talking like that about my friends when I grew older. There are other important things to think about and share. And seriously, hello, whatever make-up brand you use won't make you prettier or less. 

If you're truly beautiful, then you are beautiful despite what brand of make-up you use or even if without any. Also, true beauty comes from within and it depends on how you appreciate a  person as well. 

Speaking of defining beauty, everyone has his/her own definition of beauty. What's beautiful for me may not be beautiful to another. There's no point in comparing who's beautiful or not because yes, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. So what's my point of telling this? Well, maybe, just maybe I'm not beautiful to him. He has his own standards. To him, I'm not the same person that other's see. To him, I'm not as beautiful as what others say about me and it sucks...

Ohwell. 

How could you still love someone you never had? How could I?

Maybe there will always be a part of me that will long for you. Or maybe not. 

There was a time when I lost myself in a relationship but time passed by and I became a different person. Experiences change me and I just can't go back to where I came from because I don't recognize myself back then anymore. It wasn't me. I can't believe I did that. I was so immature, stupid, and so impulsive.

Things are different now yet I'm still capable of loving selflessly. 

It feels good to love... even in secret.

But maybe I'm in love no more. Maybe I'm just missing the feeling.

Well, I think the last two sentences seem more legit.

Every time I see less fortunate people, I close my eyes and pray to God to bless them and me as well to be able to share the blessings and love of Christ which is the true essence of Christmas.

I talked with this special someone a while ago. I'm so happy. No words can describe how joyful I am. Thank you, Lord. I hope this is a good sign for me to start a new life again. I really didn't expect this. I finally got over it.

So blessed. So happy. So loved <3

This is the perfect time that I can finally say that I have fallen out of love. Yes! It feels so real! Actually, I feel nothing. It's like normal, just ordinary. It wasn't the same as before when you know, there were butterflies in my stomach and all the nervous and giddy feelings. But now, there's nothing. 

I tried to remember my feelings for you but they were all gone. I'm so happy for myself. Yet I miss the feeling of having someone to make me smile. But I have to admit that a one-sided love is too exhausting. Thus the phrase 'having someone to make me smile' is not appropriate because first of all, I never had you. I never will.

And I care no more. 

I refuse to hear your voice as long as I can
Afraid that I would fall for you again

Yesterday I longed to see your smile
The memories we had I cherished for a while

Maybe today I am missing you so much
I wish tomorrow I could feel your touch
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Err.. I'm trying to compose a song but I'm not inspired enough. And this poem sucks. What's happening to me :/

Maybe the feelings are starting to fade away...

This is the time when I doubt my feelings for you. I just can't understand it really. Feelings change, I know. But it won't if it's true. I don't know. It's really confusing.

They say you can't love two persons at once. But you can like many people.

Wala lang. Senti lang hahahaha. Naguguluhan lang ako. Labo eh. LOL.

One thing I'm sure of, I loved you more. But if you make me choose now, I... I don't know. It would take me minutes to decide and ponder. Arti lungs :P

Anyway, I had a very happy day today :)))))

Even though we didn't win, it's worth the fight. 

I love you NCPAG Singing Administrators! Huhu. Last competition ko na ito. 

"Never assume unless otherwise stated."

I can't understand men. That's all.

Maybe you're not worth keeping anymore. Hating you would be unjust. Going away would be meaningless. 

You are not as beautiful as I thought and not as special as I believed. You are just like them. You make no difference at all.

I won't waste time again. 

Yes, feelings constantly change. Maybe tomorrow I wouldn't feel the same. Or maybe the next day I would fall again.

But no, I won't let it.

It's worth it no more.

'I'll keep you a daydream away, just watch from a safe place so I never have to lose.'

Let Your will be done. Kahit masakit. Smile lang :)

Pero masakit talaga. I'm controlling myself not to break down and cry. Really. Because it's not worth it. Mahirap akong paiyakin. And I don't cry just because I'm hurt. Pinipili ko kung ano ang iiyakan ko. Mahal kaya luha ko lol. Haha. But seriously, I don't want to talk to anyone about this. Even my parents, I don't tell them anything. Gusto kong sarilihin. Kaya ito, I'm blogging whatever comes to my mind. So apparently, I'm just talking to myself and transcribing it. LOL. I'm not crazy. I'm just not that open to anyone anymore. I don't know. Maybe I don't want them to feel sorry for me even if they don't show it. I don't want them to pity me because I don't deserve it. I'm blessed. He's just teaching me how to be content with what I have. He gives me blessings and He takes them back if He wills. 

Hindi ko alam. Susuko na ba ako? I've fought a good fight. I've been fair enough. I don't know if he has been fair to me too. I refuse to compare myself to others who also experienced his 'game' or 'trip'. I'll just get more disappointed and angry. I can't live with anger. Mabigat eh. I want to live peacefully with everybody. Kaya kahit na masakit talaga at masama loob ko, pipilitin kong maging okay. I'll focus on the blessings I have and not on that thing that He took back. It was my fault in the first place so I don't have the right to question Him. Really. 

It was my fault. If only I've been faithful and good enough, this would not happen. But there will always be second chances. I may not receive what I should have received but I believe He has something better for me. Maybe not now but in the future. I just have to endure this present heartache and move on. Life goes on. Do what is right. I should not stumble again. Nothing's easy. Be consistent. Please, Elein. Don't waste your time anymore. Nasa huli ang pagsisisi. You know better.  You've been here before. 

'I've become so numb. I can't feel you there.' - Numb by Linkin Park

I just took the removals in PA143 yesterday. I wasn't sure if sir was just kidding or bullying me when he said that if I didn't pass the exam, then he'll give me a grade of 5. Like hello, no one can answer his exam. It's all or nothing. Students in my college know that. It's a fact. So how could he expect me to answer 60% of his exam correctly? *sigh*

That time when I held my test paper, I was so close to crying. Really. But I thank myself for having such control emotionally. I've been hurt. No one escapes from it. But after years and experiences of feeling pain and getting hurt, I've learned how to control it and to be impervious to it. However, I'm afraid. Afraid that I would fail. Because I know even if he won't admit it, my dad would get disappointed. I have an idea as to how he would respond if ever I fail, he would tell me,

'Life doesn't end there. Move on. What's important is we have God in our lives. We're blessed.'

Yeah. That would probably comfort me, in his thoughts...

Oh Lord, whatever happens, it is Your will.

You can give blessings but you can take them back if You should. 

I dreamt of you again but this time, I refused to remember it. 
Days pass by, I'm starting to fall out of love.
I'm not yet completely sure about it though.

But one thing I'm sure of, it's disappointing to feel that you don't really care about me.
And whatever I do, it won't change anything. 
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stereo hearts

I opened my eyes from sleep earlier than I should. I think it was around 6 am. You invaded my dreams once again...

We were together here in our house. I don't know why. That was just how the dream started. We were okay, like close friends but it was more than that in my dream. After several moments of having fun, an impulsive gesture of mine surprised you and suddenly made you 'cold' afterwards. I didn't get it. Really. Because just moments ago we were so cool with the idea of being together then suddenly you dismissed what seemed to be magical. You were so unpredictable.

But I am not.

Because as usual, you could expect me to wake up and wipe the tears shedding through my eyes. 

Despite the stress I'm feeling right now due to acad-related problems, you never fail to pop up in my mind. Go figure out why.

"Though my eyes told of forever, but yours they're frozen in a hailstorm.. November wrapped you gray, and December saw you fade away.." (Genelady Ericka Palomar, 2012)

"Why is the feeling of loneliness and emptiness lingering on? Why am I hurting so bad, when I know you don't get hurt at all." (Genelady Ericka Palomar, 2012)

It's not about giving up. It's about fighting for the right thing and knowing your worth. 

Thoughtful efforts are worthless when left unappreciated. 

Friends care for each other. It should not be just the one.
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stereo hearts

Bakit kung kailang handa ka nang lumimot tsaka pa siya magpaparamdam? 
Nakakasawa mang pakinggan. Nakakapagod mang aminin pero mahal ko pa rin siya talaga.
At tulad ng sinabi ni John Lloyd sa 'One More Chance'

"Mahal na mahal kita at ang sakit sakit na"

Bakit ang hirap pakawalan ng isang bagay na kailanman hindi naging iyo?
Siguro nga umaasa ka pa rin na makukuha mo ito balang araw.
Wala naman siyang ginagawa pero nasasaktan ka.
Hindi mo naman siya masisi.
Pinili mo naman kasi talagang masaktan.

Gusto ko nang lumayo pero hindi ko magawa.
Gusto ko nang sumuko.
Gusto ko nang limutin siya.
Gusto kong iiyak ang lahat pero ni patak ng luha wala.
Gusto kong maging masaya sa piling ng iba ngunit paano ko magagawa iyon kung siya lang ang gusto kong makasama?

That Person

I feel like writing my thoughts in this blog post. 

I downloaded a good book, Why Men Love Bitches, and I enjoy reading it. Good thing. I have proven again that I'm really a bitch. Haha. The book defined 'bitch' as:

"The woman I’m describing is kind yet strong. She has a strength that is ever so subtle. She doesn’t give up her life, and she won’t chase a man. She won’t let a man think he has a 100 percent “hold” on her. And she’ll stand up for herself when he steps over the line. She knows what she wants but won’t compromise herself to get it. She uses this very femininity to her own advantage. It isn’t that she takes undue advantage of men, because she plays fair. She has one thing the nice girl doesn’t: a presence of mind because she isn’t swept away by a romantic fantasy. This presence of mind enables her to wield her power when it is necessary."

I never chased a man but I liked one. I showed my affection. I told him what I felt and that was all. We all get hurt at some point in time. We expect and disappoint ourselves in the end. You see, it isn't all about what you can offer him. It's not about giving everything. It's not all about love. It's not that if you give him everything you'll be enough for him. You expose your imperfections in trying to be perfect for him. Be real. 

Well, despite everything I just said, there will always be an exception. You try hard to be desirable because all you want is that person. You make great efforts to get that person's attention and even if you are already friend-zoned, your remaining .1% of hope keeps you going. Yet even if there is absolutely 0% percent hope of having that person, even if there is someone out there who's willing to spend time with you, to please you, to make you happy, and to be the guy whom you need, he is not just good enough for you. You still go after what and who you want - that person. You see, there's a saying that 'you always want what you can't have.' The more you're deprived of something, the more you crave for it. 

And sometimes, being single and in love with someone who can't love you back is better than sticking with  someone who's head over heels for you but you are slightly interested with. Why? Well, because you're in love with that person. That's it. A rebound relationship will never work. Trust me. I did that already and I'm still in love with the same person. All over again.

Some guys call me a heartless bitch.

I'm not heartless. At least not always.

I love. And it makes me nice and...

...vulnerable to that person. Only.

Sometimes I want to act like a 'bitch' to that person.

But I just can't because that person makes me so soft.
Anyway, we're friends after all.
I'm content with that. 
There's no point in being a 'bitch' because I'm already swept away by...
...obsession. 

My Quotable Quotes

Originally mine. From may facebook statuses :)

Copyright 2012

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Pretending that there's nothing wrong won't make anything right. Silence won't make it any better.

Insecurities won't make you beautiful.

Fall in love with the person and not with gender.

You don't have to change yourself to look pretty for someone because there's someone out there who sees you as a perfectly beautiful girl one would ever dream of.

Sometimes I wonder how you can sacrifice everything for someone who can't even do the same, how you can give yourself to someone even though you know he's just using you for his own pleasure or benefit, how you can be so stupid to care for him knowing that he's completely fine without you... I wonder how... How you can be so madly in love with the same person for the second time? With the person who's in love with someone else. With the person who never loved you at all. Some say life is unfair. But I tell you life is fair. You cried because I dumped you. Don't fret. I never had him too.

That's why I don't play with love because no one would believe you once you did. You cheat once and you lose him/her forever. So never play with anybody. Once you say it, make sure you mean it.

If you have nothing good to say, then just shut your mouth. Pessimists hinder improvement. Insecurities won't make you any better.

Do not let a guy ruin your friendship. It's not worth it. 

You wouldn't see unless you open your eyes. You wouldn't believe unless you have faith. And you wouldn't feel His love unless you let Him.

Some people utter words they mean only for a moment. If that's the case, then just shut up.

It feels so good to know that someone cares enough. Even though I barely notice him.

Minsan hindi mo mapapansing masakit na pala, pero go lang kasi mahal mo siya kahit hindi mo alam kung ano ka ba talaga para sknya.

Bakit sobrang init? Eh wala naman siya dito. 

From the moment i saw your face, you've been someone I can't replace.

I convince myself not to fall but baby, you're irresistible.

Blinded by darkness, I am so nothing. Tonight I can feel His love and I'm starting to realize again how my heart has been hardened.

That's why I don't easily trust men... Because most of them say things they can't prove. I'm not disappointed. I'm pleased because I'm right. Once again.

Ang hirap talagang magpigil pag masarap.

You quit when you finally realize it's not worth it.

Bakit ako nasasaktan e wala naman akong karapatan?

Don't act like you're jealous if in the first place you never even tried to keep me.

Despite the hatred and anger, you still care... Because you love.

A heart that hates is a heart that's hurt. 

Don't flatter me with your tongue. Impress me with your voice.

Suppress the feeling 'coz it ain't worth it or maybe because this isn't the right time to express what I really feel. They have no idea. Yeah. That's why they assume. And the worst part is you don't even know that you're the reason behind my smile. If only they knew... But what's the point? you wouldn't mind anyway.

It's just that I dont want to fall for someone who will be taken away from me again. Soon.

Maybe I don't really want to know that after all, you still play my song.
That after all, you still hit the right note.
That after all, you're still the beat of this stupid heart.
Maybe I'm not stupid after all. I just love you. Is that stupidity?
Or maybe I just don't wanna get hurt... Again. By you.

I went to your class. I kept on asking the guy who was sitting outside the room if the students were already dismissed. He said 'not yet'. I waited for you in the lobby until the time you were supposed to leave. I got impatient and checked your room again. I was taken aback to see that you were already gone without me noticing. I wasn't sure if I felt bad because of wasting my time waiting for no one or because of never telling you that I was just there, waiting for you.

You weren't the person I fell in love with but the feelings you evoked were the same as if I was falling for the same person all over again.

I don't want you to be mine. I just want you to be with me. You and me together. Not forever. Coz time stops when Im with you ♥

You just imprinted on me. I guess you made the wrong move.

It amazes me how I can love and fear your eyes simultaneously.

I'm not loyal. I just know who I love.

I don't want to fall for you again. I don't want to cry because of you for the second time. But what can I do? It's you that I want to spend the rest of my life with. It's always been you.

You will never be enough for someone who doesn't know your worth.

I may not be rich to give you what she can offer but I'm giving you my music. You are my music, and music is my life.

I lost but at least for once I could say that I fought for something and even if I lose over and over again, it doesn't matter. What's there to lose anyway? I'm left empty handed.

you live because of Him who gave you life and the air to breathe. you live not just to exist but to do something that is worth remembering. don't dwell on the past. a good future is waiting for you and it is your choice if you're going to let it happen. life does not end when you lose something so much important. it hurts but it will make you stronger than ever to face every pain that comes your way. live not for yourself! live to glorify His name!

God's love is never taught. It is felt by those who open their eyes and heart to something that is led by faith.

i fell so madly in love with this vampire so eventually, i died... but i lived again.

ouch. nsugatan pla ako. nde ko naramdaman. na-realize ko lng nung ngdugo na </3

crying is not a sign of weakness. it's a sign that im strong enough to face my weakness and to accept that i cant do it alone without Him.

Do everything out of love without reservation.

He may not be the perfect guy but he's more than enough for me.

When you're tempted to do something, don't move away from God. move closer to Him instead.

I look at you and my heart skips a beat. oh my. baby, you're the cause of my heart disease.

If crying is a disease, then Im dead now. 

I cry not because I'm hurt. I cry because I don't want you to be hurt.

Be careful with what you post because a simple status may change someone's mind.

I was watching Harry Potter and The Chamber of Secrets when I randomly checked the time on my netbook. It was 11:11 pm. I remembered my friend told me to wish for something at exactly 11:11 o'clock. I asked her how does it work and she said, 'just wish, just for fun, you know.' Of course I don't believe that wishes can happen by just wishing at 11:11 o'clock but it won't do any harm to try it. So at exactly 11:11 pm, I abruptly closed my eyes to make a wish and when I did, all I can ever think of was you. Then I told myself I can't wish for something impossible but I can't think of anything else to wish for at that moment. When I opened my eyes, it was 11:12 already. I lost the chance to wish for something possible. Well, because all I ever wanted is you, to be with you, something that can't happen... Ever. And it does me no good to dwell on it.

I'm not loveless. I'm actually full of love... Not until you drained it away.

I'm just actually playing with words. Nothing serious about my quote above. Haha. Though it made me think. To love is a marvelous thing and not to be loved back makes your love grow stronger in hoping that you will and can be loved back by the person you love. That's being hopeful. Naah. That's being stupid. Especially when you know that whatever you do, he/she can't/won't feel the same way. So why do you continue loving him/her? Well, it's because you love him/her no matter what. You love him/her for who he/she is and not for what he/she can offer/give you because love is all about giving and not getting. Love can not be drained but it can get hurt. Yet after all the hurt, you don't give up. You still love. Because you know what, the best part of it is having the opportunity to see him/her smile with all the things that you do for him/her because he/she knows that you'll always be there. As his/her friend. A good friend. A hopeless friend. A heartbroken friend.

Suppressed desires are manifested in dreams.
At least I had you for a moment... in my dream.

I had you...

And it was... phenomenal.

I even doubted that dream.

Because I never thought it would be possible for you to look into my eyes like how I looked into yours.  

When I woke up, I reminded myself that it was just a dream.

A hopeless dream.

An impossible dream.

 

You quit when you finally realize it's not worth it.

I'm hurt and disappointed. I want to get mad but I can't.

Because it's not worth it. 

I did things to calm myself and they're not worth it.

What the hell is wrong with me? 

I can't afford to lose you.

Even though I'm deeply wounded and taken for granted,

I still treasure you with the little things I have.

Because believe it or not, I gave you everything I could.

You can never please someone who doesn't appreciate you.

Even if you give your all, it would be nothing to him.

So just runaway and save yourself from more hurt.

I have these quotes in mind. Advices that I could tell to someone in need.

But it's so hard to apply them to myself.

Indeed, I just can't runaway... But I want to.

I really do.

I'm just not yet ready to lose you...

But you're not worth it.

They told me so.

It is Only Just a Dream

October 10, 2012

for creative writing purposes

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I never expected the surprise visit of my college friends today. I wasn't prepared especially when I saw him with them. Him? Oh no?! Oh yes! Ha! I didn't see him for months and I missed him so much. I was kinda hoping to spend time with him today. My brother's room was the only room clean enough for them to stay. Our furniture were scattered all around the sala because it was getting some remodeling and fixing. So now they were already having fun inside my brother's room. It was just weird because I wasn't really close with them. I mean, where were my batchmates? They were 1 year ahead of me. Anyway, when you are in a dream, you can't control who you meet, where you meet and why you meet them. Yes, apparently, I was in a dream.

They had fun without me. They were all chatting inside the room without even calling for my presence. What the?! I can't understand why were they even here. A friend inside the room sent me a text message saying that they were talking about something confidential and I should not hear it. This was insane. I played the piano instead but I can't play properly as I saw him with them having fun. I was glad at least he was here. I kept on playing the piano and after several unfinished pieces, they closed the door. Wow. So what now? I waited for them. I stayed in my room until the sky got dark. At last, they opened the door and let me come inside. We chatted for a while and not more than an hour later, they were prepared to go. They all left except him who was still in the room.

"Hey, aren't you going home with them?" Confused and giddy at the same time, I asked.

"Ahmm, I need to talk to you." He said poker-faced while changing his clothes. Why the hell was he changing his clothes? And now he was wearing a see-through shirt. What was his problem?

"Okay then. What about?" I walked to my room and was more surprised to see him following me. I opened my cabinet randomly just to distract myself. I was in love with him and I was still in love with him until this moment. He sat on my bed, his face still straight.

"You should stop it." He started.

"Stop what?" So now I was more confused.

"Stop liking me. Stop loving me. Whatever it is that you feel towards me." He was serious. His words slapped me on my face. I knew he can't reciprocate my feelings but I didn't care. I wasn't asking for anything and besides, even though I loved him, he was still my friend. I had come to accept that so now I can't understand why he was telling me this. No words came out of my mouth. I was thinking of telling him about him, my current boyfriend, but what will I say? Hey I have a boyfriend and you don't have to worry about my feelings for you. I have it in control and I'm moving on. Naaah. So lame. Telling him about him will just show how desperate I was to divert this feelings that was obviously for him only. Keeping my mouth shut will be the best decision for now. I wasn't yet over him. So without hesitation, I went outside with him following me and after minutes that seemed like forever for me to absorb, he bid me goodbye with his see-through shirt. I had no idea where he got that and why he was wearing that. WTF.

So this was what I was pondering about. He asked me to stop loving him. That wasn't his exact words but that was the implication. 

"Ihinto mo na yang nararamdaman mo sa akin."

He was my friend but I can't deny that I was still madly in love. Maybe he was saying that I can't be JUST friends with him when I still have this feelings. But no, I can't lose him. Not now. Not ever.

I don't usually wake up early in normal days. I didn't have class today but I woke up at 7:30 am to meet my friend and give her their tickets. I didn't wash my hair because I was cold. I'm still sick. I wore my new pink and gray jacket and off I went to Philcoa. In Mcdonald's, I met her and her cousin. Good thing she liked the tickets. She can't NOT like it. I slept late to print and cut the 500 tickets though she didn't ask me to cut them. I just did because I started it already. I didn't want to give it to her unfinished. My right thumb is numb until now because of the hours I spent cutting them last night. I completely underestimated the 500 tickets yet I enjoyed cutting. haha.

I ate my lunch the moment I got home and I went to my uncle's house to get his test papers. I will check them as I used a lot of his ink last night to print the tickets because my printer is not yet fixed. After lunch, I felt sleepy so I dozed off for a while. I planned to get up by 3 pm but as usual, I kept on pressing the snooze button of my alarm so I woke up at 4:30 pm instead. I should be reading for my exam on Friday or checking my uncle's test papers but I can't move on from my dream. So here I am, blogging my activities for today and pondering what the dream means.

I'm just so hot today. Feverishly hot I mean. I feel so dizzy with this non-stop runny nose. I tried to do my paper but unfortunately, my mind wasn't working. I slept in the afternoon instead and woke up with my clothes drenched in sweat. I didn't get any better but at least I had more strength to think and do my paper. Still, I wasn't in the mood to write anything academic. I minded my friend's ticket instead and looked for photoshop geeks who can help me edit the lame ticket. HAHA. Then after several hours of waiting while drafting my paper, BOOM! We have a totally overhauled ticket that's far far better than the original. Yey!

Nothing special happened today but I'm happy.

I'm happy because I helped this special friend.

Tomorrow's another day of UP Hellweek.

I can do this! I'll get better tomorrow.

I can't afford to be sick. Not with 2 exams and papers ahead of me. 

I make mistakes. Always. I can't stop it. It's too enticing. Adventure and curiosity are the things that make my life challenging yet miserable at the same time because at the end of the day, I'm not happy with what I've done. Maybe happy but not genuinely happy. It doesn't last. I try new things just to experience them without thinking of the consequences or the cost I might pay. So here I am, full of guilt and regrets. I can't move on. I'm stuck. Yet again, everyday is a new beginning. It's never too late to come back to where I belong.

I have friends. I have a lot of them. But I just need one to understand and help me guide my way back. I need her, my friend whom I ignore sometimes because I thought she's too good compared to me and she's not the kind of friend that I want to be with but I was wrong. She never leaves. She's just around when I need her. She's a blessing to me and I proved it again when one Sunday I can't take what's bothering me any longer and she's the first one who came into my mind. I didn't tell her what my problem is but she knows. She knows...

I was wrong again when I told myself that I will change and prove to them that I can do it without their help. 

I fall. I fall again. I fall again and again.

I can't do it all alone.

But I don't want to be a burden to her, to them.

I'm such a weakling.

Yes definitely, I would do anything for you.

You're making me change my mind.

I need time to think and decide.

And you're a big part of it.

I just don't wanna lose what we have.

We're friends. I treasure it.

But I'm not yet over you.

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stereo hearts

I never knew I was in love with you until you left and were so far far away from me. 

I didn't know why and how. All I know is that you make me feel something I can't feel from others. 

I do things I don't normally do for others and I do them without asking anything in return. Well, I want to be with you. I want you but I can't have you. Still, I am here for you.

Whatever I say, you will never understand my feelings but don't worry I'm moving on.

Yet I still love you...

I'm grateful that we're friends.

Time will come when these feelings will disappear like shadows in the dark.

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stereo hearts

The Visitor

It was 2:00 in the afternoon. I was washing my clothes when an old friend of mine sent me a text message saying that he would visit me today. Without any hesitation, I hurried my clothes, cleaned our house a bit and of course, myself. It was such a long time since we met but it seemed that we're still the same even if there are so many things and events that already happened at the time we weren't even communicating. It felt good to have him around again though I know it wouldn't last long.

He's a good friend but he just comes around once in a while.

If I could turn back time, this would not be the scene.

Idiocy

Everything was a lie. 
You'll never know what a lie is until you find the truth. 

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I promised myself not to fall for you again

But every time I see you, I just can't resist

That charming smile and perfect eyes no one has

Except you who never fail to capture my heart

Just nights ago I was talking with a friend

About our so-called love story or so I thought

That moment I confirmed to myself you still have

A certain part of me no one can replace

They witnessed me picking pebbles on the ground

Counting the days when I struggled to let go

Of all the memories circling through my mind

The only thing left for me to cherish alone

Everyday I remind myself you are not mine

And I never had you that was for sure

Maybe we did have some moments together

But I know your heart belongs to another

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You really can't study properly when your eyes are drowning in its own tears. A heart that hates is a heart that hurts.

When I cry, it just means that this hate is too overwhelming. My emotion is too strong. There are bad things that I really really want to do yet there's still Someone up there who helps me calm down. I just cry and cry and cry. The pain is too deep. I've been hiding this for so long.

I tried to call a friend who is very special to me. She didn't answer my call or maybe, she wasn't able to. Good thing. This will make me stronger, having just myself to face this.

I'm extremely mad. I'm terribly hurt.