Maybe you're not worth keeping anymore. Hating you would be unjust. Going away would be meaningless. 

You are not as beautiful as I thought and not as special as I believed. You are just like them. You make no difference at all.

I won't waste time again. 

Yes, feelings constantly change. Maybe tomorrow I wouldn't feel the same. Or maybe the next day I would fall again.

But no, I won't let it.

It's worth it no more.

'I'll keep you a daydream away, just watch from a safe place so I never have to lose.'

Let Your will be done. Kahit masakit. Smile lang :)

Pero masakit talaga. I'm controlling myself not to break down and cry. Really. Because it's not worth it. Mahirap akong paiyakin. And I don't cry just because I'm hurt. Pinipili ko kung ano ang iiyakan ko. Mahal kaya luha ko lol. Haha. But seriously, I don't want to talk to anyone about this. Even my parents, I don't tell them anything. Gusto kong sarilihin. Kaya ito, I'm blogging whatever comes to my mind. So apparently, I'm just talking to myself and transcribing it. LOL. I'm not crazy. I'm just not that open to anyone anymore. I don't know. Maybe I don't want them to feel sorry for me even if they don't show it. I don't want them to pity me because I don't deserve it. I'm blessed. He's just teaching me how to be content with what I have. He gives me blessings and He takes them back if He wills. 

Hindi ko alam. Susuko na ba ako? I've fought a good fight. I've been fair enough. I don't know if he has been fair to me too. I refuse to compare myself to others who also experienced his 'game' or 'trip'. I'll just get more disappointed and angry. I can't live with anger. Mabigat eh. I want to live peacefully with everybody. Kaya kahit na masakit talaga at masama loob ko, pipilitin kong maging okay. I'll focus on the blessings I have and not on that thing that He took back. It was my fault in the first place so I don't have the right to question Him. Really. 

It was my fault. If only I've been faithful and good enough, this would not happen. But there will always be second chances. I may not receive what I should have received but I believe He has something better for me. Maybe not now but in the future. I just have to endure this present heartache and move on. Life goes on. Do what is right. I should not stumble again. Nothing's easy. Be consistent. Please, Elein. Don't waste your time anymore. Nasa huli ang pagsisisi. You know better.  You've been here before. 

'I've become so numb. I can't feel you there.' - Numb by Linkin Park

I just took the removals in PA143 yesterday. I wasn't sure if sir was just kidding or bullying me when he said that if I didn't pass the exam, then he'll give me a grade of 5. Like hello, no one can answer his exam. It's all or nothing. Students in my college know that. It's a fact. So how could he expect me to answer 60% of his exam correctly? *sigh*

That time when I held my test paper, I was so close to crying. Really. But I thank myself for having such control emotionally. I've been hurt. No one escapes from it. But after years and experiences of feeling pain and getting hurt, I've learned how to control it and to be impervious to it. However, I'm afraid. Afraid that I would fail. Because I know even if he won't admit it, my dad would get disappointed. I have an idea as to how he would respond if ever I fail, he would tell me,

'Life doesn't end there. Move on. What's important is we have God in our lives. We're blessed.'

Yeah. That would probably comfort me, in his thoughts...

Oh Lord, whatever happens, it is Your will.

You can give blessings but you can take them back if You should. 

I dreamt of you again but this time, I refused to remember it. 
Days pass by, I'm starting to fall out of love.
I'm not yet completely sure about it though.

But one thing I'm sure of, it's disappointing to feel that you don't really care about me.
And whatever I do, it won't change anything. 
---------------------------
stereo hearts

I opened my eyes from sleep earlier than I should. I think it was around 6 am. You invaded my dreams once again...

We were together here in our house. I don't know why. That was just how the dream started. We were okay, like close friends but it was more than that in my dream. After several moments of having fun, an impulsive gesture of mine surprised you and suddenly made you 'cold' afterwards. I didn't get it. Really. Because just moments ago we were so cool with the idea of being together then suddenly you dismissed what seemed to be magical. You were so unpredictable.

But I am not.

Because as usual, you could expect me to wake up and wipe the tears shedding through my eyes. 

Despite the stress I'm feeling right now due to acad-related problems, you never fail to pop up in my mind. Go figure out why.

"Though my eyes told of forever, but yours they're frozen in a hailstorm.. November wrapped you gray, and December saw you fade away.." (Genelady Ericka Palomar, 2012)

"Why is the feeling of loneliness and emptiness lingering on? Why am I hurting so bad, when I know you don't get hurt at all." (Genelady Ericka Palomar, 2012)

It's not about giving up. It's about fighting for the right thing and knowing your worth. 

Thoughtful efforts are worthless when left unappreciated. 

Friends care for each other. It should not be just the one.
---------------------------
stereo hearts

Bakit kung kailang handa ka nang lumimot tsaka pa siya magpaparamdam? 
Nakakasawa mang pakinggan. Nakakapagod mang aminin pero mahal ko pa rin siya talaga.
At tulad ng sinabi ni John Lloyd sa 'One More Chance'

"Mahal na mahal kita at ang sakit sakit na"

Bakit ang hirap pakawalan ng isang bagay na kailanman hindi naging iyo?
Siguro nga umaasa ka pa rin na makukuha mo ito balang araw.
Wala naman siyang ginagawa pero nasasaktan ka.
Hindi mo naman siya masisi.
Pinili mo naman kasi talagang masaktan.

Gusto ko nang lumayo pero hindi ko magawa.
Gusto ko nang sumuko.
Gusto ko nang limutin siya.
Gusto kong iiyak ang lahat pero ni patak ng luha wala.
Gusto kong maging masaya sa piling ng iba ngunit paano ko magagawa iyon kung siya lang ang gusto kong makasama?

That Person

I feel like writing my thoughts in this blog post. 

I downloaded a good book, Why Men Love Bitches, and I enjoy reading it. Good thing. I have proven again that I'm really a bitch. Haha. The book defined 'bitch' as:

"The woman I’m describing is kind yet strong. She has a strength that is ever so subtle. She doesn’t give up her life, and she won’t chase a man. She won’t let a man think he has a 100 percent “hold” on her. And she’ll stand up for herself when he steps over the line. She knows what she wants but won’t compromise herself to get it. She uses this very femininity to her own advantage. It isn’t that she takes undue advantage of men, because she plays fair. She has one thing the nice girl doesn’t: a presence of mind because she isn’t swept away by a romantic fantasy. This presence of mind enables her to wield her power when it is necessary."

I never chased a man but I liked one. I showed my affection. I told him what I felt and that was all. We all get hurt at some point in time. We expect and disappoint ourselves in the end. You see, it isn't all about what you can offer him. It's not about giving everything. It's not all about love. It's not that if you give him everything you'll be enough for him. You expose your imperfections in trying to be perfect for him. Be real. 

Well, despite everything I just said, there will always be an exception. You try hard to be desirable because all you want is that person. You make great efforts to get that person's attention and even if you are already friend-zoned, your remaining .1% of hope keeps you going. Yet even if there is absolutely 0% percent hope of having that person, even if there is someone out there who's willing to spend time with you, to please you, to make you happy, and to be the guy whom you need, he is not just good enough for you. You still go after what and who you want - that person. You see, there's a saying that 'you always want what you can't have.' The more you're deprived of something, the more you crave for it. 

And sometimes, being single and in love with someone who can't love you back is better than sticking with  someone who's head over heels for you but you are slightly interested with. Why? Well, because you're in love with that person. That's it. A rebound relationship will never work. Trust me. I did that already and I'm still in love with the same person. All over again.

Some guys call me a heartless bitch.

I'm not heartless. At least not always.

I love. And it makes me nice and...

...vulnerable to that person. Only.

Sometimes I want to act like a 'bitch' to that person.

But I just can't because that person makes me so soft.
Anyway, we're friends after all.
I'm content with that. 
There's no point in being a 'bitch' because I'm already swept away by...
...obsession.