His Secret Love

I had a very weird dream. I had no idea why I dreamt of him. Seriously, I didn't imagine something like this because I was daydreaming of the opposite thing. 

I was with my college friends. We were having fun. We went to Shakey's for dinner. We were all seated and ready order, and since it will take long to serve our dinner, I went out for a while to visit other friends as they told me that one of them will be having a surprise announcement. I arrived home and they were already gone. I missed the surprise announcement so my mother told me everything about it instead. She said that my longtime crush, my dream man, decided to get married and the proposal will be this coming Saturday but he didn't tell them who the bride will be. It was a shock! First, we never saw him with a girl because apparently, he has no girlfriend, thus, no fiancee. It was really weird. I thought it was a very impulsive decision and yes, it was. He left us hanging with no idea what was going to happen. Everyone was so curious about this special girl. We know him well. He is smart, creative, responsible, handsome and God-fearing. That's why I really like him. The news made me so anxious. That was so unexpected of him. I've always dreamt of getting married to him and clearly, this wasn't the way I want it to be. 

The day came. Everyone was excited about the marriage proposal except me. I was nervous. Actually I didn't want to attend the event. Well, at one point, I wished that the girl was me. I was desperately fantasizing that somehow, after a very long time that we were friends, he realized that I was the one for him and since he's not a romantic kind of guy, he will suddenly just propose to me and ask me to marry him. WHICH seemed to be a more improbable and weirder idea.

The proposal will be held in Shakey's, the same one I went to with my college friends and before long, they arrived too. I felt relieved to see them there for I didn't want to witness the event alone. I mean, I didn't want my common friends with him to see me crying or hyperventilating during his proposal. 

At last, he arrived with his family. Surprisingly again, he wasn't with the girl. Everyone welcomed him, excitingly asking him where the girl was. I joined them of course and tried to hide my despair. Then he ecstatically told us about the girl. He looked so in love. That was the first time I saw him like that. It was so not him. From the look on his face, everyone may assume that he and his girl were together for a couple of years. And when he said that the girl was a teacher like him, I almost fainted. 

Yes. The dream looked like it was forecasted because I already graduated that time and he was a teacher when presently in reality, he is not.

So after this short introduction about the girl, I strode to the restroom and there I poured out all my emotions. It was too painful to bear. I was afraid someone might see the hurt in my eyes and feel pity for me. After a few minutes, I fixed my mascara and make-up and left the restroom. I can't tolerate them looking so happy and excited for him so I joined my college friends instead on another table. Before I open my mouth to share my anguish that moment, he and his girl finally caught the attention of them all. The girl was pretty, petite, simple, white, and so feminine and prim. I was the opposite of her; a boyish, rock chick. My assumption was true. They were so in love with each other. I can't feel the pain that time because I felt he was amazingly inspired with her. I felt happy for him too. I realized that moment, I wasn't the best for him. I can't make him happy like that. He deserved someone else, a true woman who can make him feel like a real man. It wasn't me. I'm just a happy go lucky girl who loves adventure and music with no specific direction  in life. So yeah, I can't blame him if he can't fall for me. His fiancee was far better than I am. 

He hugged her. He kissed her. He wanted to marry and spend the rest of his life with her. And me? I was there witnessing their love story...

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I refused to sleep again when I woke up. Haha. Ohwell. I can't always get what and who I want. I have to work hard to earn it and of course, pray to God. He is forever in control of everything.

Oh this dream inspires me to be the girl he will be proud of someday. Funny. 

I feel sick because yes, I'm sick. This morning when I woke up, I realized that I have abnormal bowel movement and I felt like throwing up. I can't eat so I didn't eat. I just had a hot, green tea. I can't afford not to go to class so I asked grandma to buy me a medicine. I took a nap. After 30 minutes, I felt good. Thank God. I went to class and the stomach pain was tolerable. 

In NCPAG, on my way to my classroom, I met our College Secretary. I asked her about her conversation with my professor about my grade. I wasn't expecting to hear good news today but I didn't expect this day to be so cruel to me. I was so close to crying when I entered our class. I can't even smile to my friend. I consoled myself by constantly thinking that God is in control and indeed, I was comforted yet pessimism and hopelessness still crossed my mind inevitably. 

After class, I felt so weak. I wanted to go home as soon as I can. I had no enough strength to think things through. When I got home, I slept. I rested. I forgot everything for a moment. I emptied my mind. 

I refused to eat until I got so weak and dizzy. Funny, I actually dreamt of eating a chocolate cake. When I got up, I looked for food. I craved for something sweet. Grandma bought me KFC chicken meal. My appetite's gone but I tried to eat because I needed to. My body's getting weaker and I still have classes this week. I got full and I felt good. Thank God. I'm okay now. At least.

Problems and trials may steal my life's vigor for a moment but they won't stop me from hoping and praying. God is in control. 

I have more blessings to look forward to and nothing to lose. 

Lord, help me through this.

"But if we look forward to something we don't yet have, we must wait patiently and confidently." - Romans 8:25

Why Not Now?

This is my devotion for today from 'Our Daily Bread'. I'm just so blessed that I felt the urge to share this. This is what I need the most as of this moment and maybe you need it too :)

This chapter is all about waiting for the Lord. God left us behind and went to Heaven for a special purpose. 

"There is work to be done in us that can only be accomplished here in earth..."

As Christians, we face numerous trials, problems and heartbreaks. As humans, we are so weak to cope with these difficulties and to deal with life that is indeed unfair. But the Lord let these things happen for a reason,

"Our afflictions, which are for the moment, are working for us 'a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory' (2 Cor. 4:17)"

So if we are facing trials today, let us always remember that they are just temporal problems. Let us be strong (Phil 4:13) and look forward to eternal things. 

And the best part of this chapter is,

"There is comfort in waiting: though heaven may be delayed, God has his reasons. No doubt about it!"

Not so in haste, my heart!

Have faith in God, and wait;

Although He seems to linger long

He never comes too late - Torrey

"Our greatest comfort is to know that God is in control."

This is so timely. I feel good now :)

Thank you, Lord. 

My Stress Relievers

"The troubles that we face each day reveal how much we need the Lord; they test our faith and strength of will and help us then to trust God's Word." - D. De Haan

I'll jog and run later until I get my feet sore so when I come home, I won't have enough strength to worry and think about things that may dishearten me once more.

After 3 hours...

I jogged from home to Marikina Sports Center. I had no idea that there's a big event today and hundreds of people were falling in line to enter SC. I continued walking and running instead. On my way home, I saw a man selling little ducklings and chicks. They're s cute! And because I'm kinda sad today, I bought 2 little ducklings for Php 30 to entertain me for a while tonight and keep me busy at least. So there, I went home with 2 little ducklings! :D

Ccino, however, looked kinda sad and not in the mood to bite me when I visited him so I carried him out of his cage and played for a while, brushed his fur and made 'gigil' hug. Hihi. So sweet <3 

My Ccino makes me happy when I don't feel good and when I want to be alone. He doesn't make any sound. He's not that playful. Sometimes he runs and hides from me because he knows I'll give him 'gigil' hug. Haha. But he's always there. He lives to be with me, to make me happy even without doing anything. Just his existence makes me feel better. Oh I love my Ccino. Hihi. And for the 2 little ducklings, it was an impulsive act to buy them. Still, I'll take good care of them and eat them when they're big enough. LOL. Joke. 

Anyway, moving on. I just pray, Lord God, that You comfort me tonight, tomorrow and everyday. You know this is still hard for me to take but I trust and believe that You are always in control. Help me overcome this despair, Lord Jesus Christ. I'm weak but You are strong.

"I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength." - Phil. 4:13

Amazing. So Amazing!

"... because your Father knows what you need before you ask Him." - Matthew 6:8

The wonder of it all. He never fails to impress me. God is so good!

That moment I wanted to ask, "God, why are You so good to me even if I don't deserve it?" Yet the fact that He heard my prayer already proves that for Him, I am deserving. Actually, that wasn't exactly my prayer but what He gave to me today is more than what I'm asking for! He's so amazing! Though I know that I still have to settle a complicated and frustrating 'thing' to be able to receive this blessing fully, now I believe and I'm rest assured that He is in control. Hey, He won't give something that He'll just take back. I mean, hindi naman paasa ang Diyos. He can never do something that will hurt us in the end. 

I'm truly amazed and shocked at the same time but who am I to question His goodness, right? I know that what He wants to hear from me now is just a simple 'thank you'.

Thank You, Lord Jesus Christ for this. I'm not losing hope. I will have my grade soon. I'm claiming it in Jesus' name. 

Thank You for this another opportunity. Thank You for this blessing. I'm overwhelmed with great joy. I firmly believe You will not let him ruin this. I will not cry because of him again. 

It's so funny to remember those days when I was so disheartened because of Him and how sensitive I was that whenever my dad and mom asked me about it, my tears were always so close to falling. Oh the pain and hopelessness, they all passed.

You have just proven to me now, Lord God, how powerful You are that You can turn a heartbreaking circumstance into a blessing. 

Thank You, Lord. Thank You. 

Mema post

(May ma-post lang) LOL. Wala kasi akong makausap. HAHA.

May New Year's Resolution na akong naisip!

HINDI AKO PWEDENG KILIGIN HANGGA'T HINDI GUMAGRADUATE!

Wala lang. Panira eh. Nakakawala ng focus. LOL. Seriously though, we can't avoid having crushes. I just think that I don't need someone to inspire me or make me smile for now. So from now on, hindi na ako pwedeng kiligin! Hay nako.

It's just that feelings come the moment you never expected. It comes and goes depending on the circumstance.

Mahirap na. So stop Elein! Don't entertain any feelings.

Post-Christmas

My Christmas with my family and close friends went well. We were all very blessed and thankful for everything. Truly, God is so good! :)

I thank God for the people whom He blessed to share with me all the gifts I received. I got all I want! Isn't it so much to be grateful for? Oh, except for one which I listed on My Christmas Wishes. I didn't buy a new swimsuit. My grandma said I don't need them. Not now, I guess. The last time I went to shopping with my mom, I looked for swimsuits since they were on sale but still, I didn't get one. I think it's better to buy in summer. 

I want to swim. It's so hot today and I'm wearing my sweat jacket. It's my favorite. Okay, I'm getting nonsense here. I'm bored. I just finished watching 'The Mistress'. John Lloyd and Bea really look good together. I'm so in love with John Lloyd's character <3

I enjoyed the film though the story is not new. Filipinos seem to patronize such films about infidelity, sex, etc. It made me think. Hmm. Well, this post is too public to tackle such topics. It's just that the film bothered me. True, love conquers all. You fight for someone once you proved that the person is worth it or even if he/she's not. That's love. You can't choose who you fall in love with but... Okay, I know it's not that easy to ignore the feelings but we can always choose to act or not to act on it. Well, in the movie, if I were John Lloyd, why would I settle for my dad's mistress? First, she has already been used by another guy which is in his unfortunate case, his father whom he hated so much. Second, he deserves a better woman, a woman who isn't someone's dirty little secret, and a woman he would not be ashamed of because yes, admit it or not, in this kind of society that we live in, it is a shame to be the other woman, yes, the mistress. Still, I salute Mr. Eric Torres, John Lloyd's character, for loving Sari Alfonzo despite being her dad's mistress. True, we all have reasons why we do this and that yet in the end, it's all up to our decisions and choices which will determine who we are. 'Not having a choice' is not an excuse because we always do have a choice. Sometimes, it seems that there's nothing we can do but there is. There will always be. Also, even if our choices determine who we are, we are not to judge others. Only He could/would judge us by our acts. 

At some point, this film changed what I think about mistresses because Bea is so hot. HAHAHA kidding. Seriously, if you would just see how she loves her family, especially her grandma, maybe that time when her grandma was struggling for her life, Sari didn't have anyone to depend on for financial needs and there, only Eric's dad could provide the money for the operation at that very moment. However, it doesn't justify her being a mistress. In my conclusion, I think, the bad one is Senior Torres because he took advantage of Sari's weaknesses and shortcomings and used them to make Sari stay for he could provide her with material things a woman wants. LOL. 

Oh I just love the story. I love John Lloyd here <3 

"Andaming dahilan para hindi kita mahalin. Pero may isang dahilan kung bakit hindi ko magawa iyon. Mahal kita. Yun lang yun."

='>

Enjoying the last day of holiday vacation!