Nothing But My Toy

June 24, 2012

HAHAHA. Please don't give meaning to this. I'm just bored. I just want to write something new. Something that's not about love, life.. because this is something about being a... just find it out. Hoho. 

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You kissed me

Nothing special

You hugged me

Just like my pillow

You cuddled with me

No butterflies in my tummy

You stared at me

I longed for him

You got offended

I didn't care

You had many girls

I wasn't one of them

You lied to me

As if I didn't know

You said that you love me

As if you can truly love

You are my friend

But sometimes a foe

You had my body

But not my heart

You were my first

My first toy ever

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Please don't take this personally. I just love to write about whatever comes to my mind.

I May...

June 22, 2012

I'm soooo bored. I opened this blog and this is all I got. Tadah *drools* LOL

K. Fine ~.~

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I may flirt with somebody else

I may like somebody else

I may ignore you sometimes

Because you don't recognize me

I may kiss somebody else

I may hug somebody else

I may forget you sometimes

But at the end of the day, it's you that I long for

I may be annoying to you

I may lie just to impress you

I may spend too much time on you

But I just do them because I want to be with you

I may not be the right one for you

Even though I tried to be

But yes, I can't and will never be

It was written in non-erasable ink

I may regret telling you what I feel

I may feel like a dumb for doing so

I may hate myself for being impulsive

But what can I do to make you like me

I may seem desperate enough

Obsessed and infatuated

I may get jealous for no reason

I may get hurt but you don't mind

I may be overreacting

I may do stupid things

I may waste my time just staring

At your pictures I can't resist

I may be in love...

...I may be wrong

I may be right...

...I may not know

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you may not know...

Sana

June 16, 2012

sinimulan ko ang tulang ito noong Hunyo 15 at ngayon ko lang siya tinapos. hoho.

this is for creative writing purposes only. no person involved xD

paalala lng. badtrip ksi pg may ngcomment na nmn. lol.

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Ilang buwan na ang nakalipas nang

Ika'y tuluyan kong kinalimutan

Hindi madali ang pinagdaanan

Lalo na kung sa bawat araw

Bawat oras ika'y nasa isip

Hinahangad na sana andito ka pa rin

Sa aking tabi tulad noon, tulad ng dati

Ngunit sa kabila ng lahat

Pinilit kong mamuhay ng wala ka

Kahit minsan gusto nang sumuko

Ng pusong ikaw lang ang sinisigaw

Ikaw lang ang kailangan

Kahit sino hindi mapapantayan

Dahil tanging ikaw aking mahal

Ano nga bang magagawa ko

Kung hindi mo kayang suklian

Ang pag-ibig kong para sa'yo lamang

Pero wala namang kapalit ang lahat

Kahit nasaktan na't iniwan

Hindi ko kayang magalit sa'yo

Pinili ko kasing mahalin ka ng todo

Nakakasama lang talaga ng loob

Na makita kang nasasaktan sa kanya

Ngunit ano bang magagawa ko

Kung mahal mo siyang talaga

Sana magbago ang ihip ng hangin

Sana akin ka na lang ulit

Sana tayo na lang kahit saglit

Kathang Isip Lamang

June 14, 2012

at dahil ang sarap tumambay sa football field, at dahil may dalawang naglalampungan sa banda roon.. hoho

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Malamig ang simoy ng hangin na nalalanghap ko

Habang sumasayaw ang bawat dahon sa mga punong nakapaligid

Sa akin at ninanamnam ang init ng sikat ng araw

Mas mainam sana kung narito ka sa aking piling

Tulad ng dalawang magkasintahan na naghaharutan

Doon sa ilalim ng punong nag-iisang nagdurusa

Tulad kong nakatanaw rin sa matamis nilang pagsasama

Nagmamahalan na parang wala nang bukas

Nagpapaloko sa bawat sandaling sila'y masaya

Hindi nila alam na matatapos rin ang lahat

Hindi ba ganun ang nangyari sa atin?

Minsan rin tayong naniwala na pang-habang buhay na

Pero heto nauwi rin sa wala

Pawang kathang isip lamang pala

To A Proud Dad

I wrote this poem for my friend's dad :)

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I may never know him the way you do

I may never know you the way he did

But I believe he's somewhere, everywhere

Looking after the princess he raised

You're one of a kind, a precious one

A gift from heaven to a blessed man

To other people he shared what he had

He touched their hearts with helping hands

His life can never be put to waste

For he had been a treasure to many

He left with honor and dignity

A great man worthy of history

If only he could see how you have grown

Like a full-blown rose, beautiful and free

There's no doubt he would be so proud of you

You've been the best daughter one could ever be

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She will be loved forever.

I'm Sorry

June 10, 2012

because Im so inspired to write. thanks to that awesome blogger :)))

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You may hate me for what I'd say

But I can't lie to you, not anymore

The first time we met wasn't something noteworthy

Since then I knew you weren't someone special

Until now that I proved myself unmistakably right

You are just another one I'll left behind

I may act like I like you that much

But I never did and never will

I'm not someone who'd fall for someone like you

Someone who is not even worthy of being liked

Maybe it's too mean to say that but

Yes you are nothing, nothing to me

My sorry is not enough to appease

Whatever you may feel while reading this

Anyway, apology is not in my vocabulary

Especially when it comes to you, I don't really care

I just wonder if you'll get hurt because

I remember you don't have a heart that beats

Be thankful enough that there's someone stupid

Enough to love you, if that's real love

Someday you'll realize why I said what I said

From your sweet nightmares you will wake

Wish upon a star that you never met me

But it's too late 'coz I'm your biggest mistake

Minsan

Minsan na akong nangarap. Minsan na rin akong nasaktan. Wala namang dahilan upang masaktan. Pinangarap lang naman kita. Iyon lang naman. Sa tinagal tagal ng panahon, ikaw pa rin. Ikaw talaga. Ikaw na lang sana. Huminto ako sa pagdarasal na ika'y mapasa-akin nang minsan akong nabigo. Inilabas ko ang lahat ng sakit sa iyak at ginugol ang buong oras sa mga bagay na makapagpapalimot sa'yo. Ngunit hindi talaga maiiwasan na bago matapos ang araw, lilitaw sa aking isipan ang lalaking minsan kong pinangarap, ang lalaking minsan kong pinagmasdan at hiniling sa Maykapal.

Sinikap kong maging isang prinsesa para sa prinsipeng tulad mo. Nakakatawa mang isipin ngunit kung sino ako ngayon, kung ano man ang mga kaya kong gawin at ipagmalaki, iyon ay dahil sa'yo. Tinuruan mo akong abutin ang mga bagay na akala ko'y hindi ko kaya. Tinuruan mo akong lumipad na parang ibon sa kalangitan, malaya at may lakas ng loob sa kabila ng mga unos na maaari kong harapin. Ikaw ang nagsilbing inspirasyon dahil minsan kong ninais na maging karapat-dapat sa iyo. Ngunit kahit na anong pagsisikap ang gawin ko, minsan aking napagtanto na hindi mo ako kayang gustuhin. Hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit. Tinalikuran ko sila para sa iyo at heto ako, naiwang mag-isa. Nangarap sa isang bagay na walang patutunguhan.

Pero siguro mali rin ako. Hindi pa naman huli ang lahat at minsan na akong nagkamali nang napatunayan kong hindi naman pala kayo ng babaeng pinagseselosan ko. Minsan ko ring kinapalan ang aking mukha upang sabihin sa'yo ang lahat ng nararamdaman ko. Minsan lang iyon pero hanggang ngayon nakaukit pa rin sa aking puso't isipan kung paano ako nabihag ng minsan kong pagtingin sa iyo.

Kapag tinatanong nila kung ano ba ang meron ka na wala sa kanila, isa lang ang sagot ko:

Handa akong mahalin ka ng buong buhay ko. Hindi ko alam kung bakit ikaw. Basta ang alam ko lang, ikaw talaga.

Pareho man tayo ng pinagdaraanan ngayon, nananalig ako sa Diyos na mapagtatagumpayan natin ito. Hindi na ako umaasa na minsan ay mapapansin mo rin ako. Tanging Siya lamang ang nakakaalam kung sino ba talaga ang para sa atin. Ito na siguro ang pagkakataon na ikaw ay isuko bilang aking pangarap. Hindi dahil hindi na kita gusto. Hindi dahil hindi ako karapat-dapat sa iyo. Hindi dahil may gusto na akong iba. At mas lalong hindi dahil napapagod na ako.

Isusuko ko ang isang pangarap na minsan kong inabot bagkus nais kong ika'y maging panalangin na balang araw ay diringgin ng Panginoon.

June 9, 2012

a simple poem for a special father

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There are times that you get angry at me

Because I'm such a hard-headed girl

There are times that you are so annoying

Especially when you reprimand me

Sorry is not enough to take away

All the hurt and stress that I caused you

But thank you for being there all the time

To discipline me and love me the most

I want to be the best I can be

To give back everything you deserve

I pray to God to bless our family

To keep us safe and in unity

Struggles and problems we can't avoid

But please stay strong and courageous to fight

Don't ever give up, just hold on to God

I trust that He will restore what's broken

Daddy, I love you

Thank God for you

Fate or Faith?

Fate.

Fate is a concept that I just can't understand. I read that it is something that controls your life. It is something that inevitably happens and you just don't have the power to change it because it is already fixed. If that's the case, does it mean that the people I met and everything that's happening in my life befalls in accordance with fate? What if there's something I really want but my parents discouraged me and decided for me instead, does it mean that my parents can change what's destined for me? Or does fate allow them in order for things to happen the way it should be? What if I imposed what I want, does it mean that I changed my fate? Seriously, I can't tell how fate works. I just believe that everything happens for a reason and you choose what you want to be. But then again, there are things that you can't get even if you try hard to.

How will I know what's fated for me? What if I just made myself miserable in trying to decode my fate? How about those aborted babies, those innocent people killed or died accidentally, is it their fate to be deprived of life?  If it does, then fate is selfish. We're living in fate's captivity. What's life's purpose then if there is something that controls our life or something that lets others to steal our lives?

There are many things that life can offer, things that we want and things we don't. Considering that I don't really know how fate works and if it really exists, all I can say is don't let others steer your life. Be courageous enough to fight for what you want. Don't just settle for the thing that's there for you. I'm not saying not to be contented with what you have. What I mean is if you want something, don't be afraid to fight for it. Pursue it! Remember, life is too short to waste so you better be strong enough to take risks to be what you want to be. If you fail, in the end you'll realize that what's meant for you is better than what you want and somehow you'll be proud of yourself that at least you tried rather than settling for what ifs.

Still, life is so complicated. Everyone has their own definition of what life is. Defying fate means controlling your life according to your will but then again, we're not living for our own because there's God above who still has the power over us and His will is sovereign than ours. So does it mean again that we aren't free to choose what our life should be? This is getting more and more circuitous.

To end this, I just want to say,

Live life to the fullest! Don't waste any moment with something or someone you aren't happy with. Life is a gift from God that's meant to give joy and not sorrow.

He gave everyone freedom. It's up to us to choose how to live.

We are in charge of our own lives but we can't control what's happening around us.

Only He can.

I don't have any idea what's fated for me.

Maybe because there's no fate. There's only God.

And God knows best.

Get A Haircut!

One night I dreamt of you. I wasn't thinking about you before I slept. I swear. I tried not to think about you after you left and I promised myself not to communicate. Maybe it's wrong to assume but I'm not that stupid. Well, maybe I assumed too much that I overreacted but nothing changed so, I just wasted my time assuming and yeah, it was kinda stupid to do so. It just left me hanging and confused, with nothing to assert myself. But what can I do? I got nothing.

In my dream, I was chatting and laughing with a college friend when you came. I wasn't expecting you to come so your sudden appearance surprised me. I was stunned yet I didn't let it show. You looked at me. I looked back. I got up from my seat and came closer to my friend. I just ignored you even though I saw in your eyes that you were somehow confused why I didn't even acknowledge you or something. I didn't care. At all. That time. But again, that was a lie.

At first, I never thought I could really do that. To ignore you was hard for me to do but to pretend I was fine was even harder. It wasn't you to blame so don't worry. It was my fault. I just didn't expect myself to fall for something that would just break me apart.

You see, even in my dream I still felt it. The same feeling like in reality. I was so close to crying when I woke up.

True, we became friends just months ago. Maybe, you were thinking that writing you a letter was silly. Maybe, you were thinking that I'm not even serious or maybe I'm just playing around. Maybe, just maybe, I don't matter to you at all.

But the worst thing is I feel so envious. Every time I see her, I find myself so inferior.

I'm just not good enough.

And she has something I don't have, can't have, and will never have.

You know what, if I were her, I will never let you go.

Stupid girl.

Yet I'm grateful still that you didn't end up together.

She doesn't deserve you.

Neither do I.

Ngiti Lang

June 5, 2012

I just wrote a poem for a sad friend.

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Kung naiisip mong ika'y nagiisa
Walang matatakbuhan, maiiyakan
Andiyan lang naman Siya, tumingala ka lang
Hindi ka iiwan at pababayaan

Mahirap magtiwala sa tao kasi
Lahat tayo napapagod, nanghihina
Nagbabago ang isip at nadarama
Nagsasawa at naghahanap ng iba

Wala man akong magagawa upang
Mapawi ang lungkot sa iyong puso
Tandaan mo na kahit anong mangyari
May kadahilanan at layunin ito

Kung hindi mo man maunawaan
Sa takdang oras ipapaliwanag ko
Basta ngiti ka lang at wag malumbay
Sayang ang oras na igugugol mo

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I hope she gets better.

Once Upon A Time...

when I was so broken.

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Unforeseen meeting at the most unexpected time

Inexorable regret from what I did last night

Deflects my attention that no matter how I deny

Waves of our memories drift into my mind

Lingering emotions are indecipherable

Trying to resist his inherent temptation

To save myself from getting into trouble

If I give in again to Lucy’s persuasion

Lord, You’re my deliverer and my Light

You cast away all the sins that I hide

You wiped my tears and hugged me tight

Because You are God, without You I’m blind

Make known to me Your ways that are true

I hunger for Your love, I feel so blue

There’s nothing to hold on to but Your promises

Surround me with angels and fill me with Your presence

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and He healed me.

There’s no reason to doubt that He will again heal me from this brokenness.

He Will Be There

What do you do when you feel sad? When you're alone? When you're depressed and have no one to lean on? Do you cry? Do you sleep and ignore the sadness? Or do you feel sadder because you entertain the notion that you're really sad?

In my case when I feel sad, I cry. hmm. Well most of the time, I just ignore the feeling and do something else. It actually depends on the reason why Im sad but what I did recently when I felt sad was to cry. Yep. I cried because I cant take it anymore and I didnt mind those people around seeing me alone at the corner of the table, holding my cell phone and eating a delicious, fluffy mamon. I had no one to talk to that time and I didnt want to disturb anyone. Oh, I sent a message to my best friend though saying how sad I was and she did reply. She suggested that I read books instead or to study my lessons but that time, I didnt have a book. Crap. and I was dead tired to read. My mind was so preoccupied with nonstop popping up of to-dos for tomorrow. Oh really? Well, it's better not to tell what's truly popping up in my mind that time. So going back to the story, I finished my food and drank 2 glasses of water. I somehow felt good. Next, I went to the rest room and stared at myself in the mirror. I looked like trash. Oh no! I combed my hair and put powder on my pale face. I still had a work that afternoon and I cant afford to look bleak. My student is too handsome and as his teacher, I should make an effort to look good also. ha!

After our tutorial, it rained so hard. I went home wet, weary and superduper hungryy yet I was glad for accomplishing all my goals for that day. I ate my heavy dinner and rested for a while. I watched the news and checked my fb. I was planning to write a blog post about the preaching last Sunday but I lost so much energy to think well enough. I browsed the fb instead. I wasted a few minutes reading my friend's posts, commenting and liking some, listening to the radio and laughing at the DJ's corny jokes until I got bored. I randomly clicked on my notes and found myself typing something else instead of the preaching that I planned to share. I didnt stop though 'coz my tears were already insistent. It did hurt. A lot. Again. Then I began to sob. I closed my laptop and prayed to God, asked Him why I was feeling that way again. Why? What was wrong? It surprised me. I thought I was okay but no. I was definitely not.

I didnt want to disturb my best friends for I knew they have their own problems too so I opened my bible, hoping to read anything that could ease the pain and then I saw this verses from Jeremiah chapter 33,

2 This is what the LORD says, he who made the earth, the LORD who formed it and established it—the LORD is his name:

3 ‘Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.’...

8 I will cleanse them from all the sin they have committed against me and will forgive all their sins of rebellion against me...

11 ...  “Give thanks to the LORD Almighty, for the LORD is good; his love endures forever.” 

            For I will restore the fortunes of the land as they were before,’ says the LORD.

I know that promise from the very start. I believe that Im healed already. Im totally forgiven for all my sins. God took away all the pain and gave me new life but there is still this vestige of the past that keeps on haunting me, pulling me back to the days when we were together, the days when I left God for such relationship.

Im already restored, am i not? Yes, I already am.

Our great God had cast my sins into the depths of the sea.

Micah 7:19 - You will again have compassion on us; you will tread our sins underfoot and hurl all our iniquities into the depths of the sea

So from now on, every time I think of you, I just thank God. Sometimes, I still cry. It still hurts but Im not losing hope that someday, Id be completely okay. Someday... I jst need to trust God and to love Him with my whole heart.

Philippians 1:3 - I thank my God every time I remember you.

'Coz when I do, I remember how God loves me so much by not letting me drown in the darkness of your love. Oh scratch that. it wasn't love. What we had was mere garbage. It was useless. It was nothing but a piece of crap that should be thrown far far FAR awayyy..

Yours truly,

Elein

She Was Dead And So Are You

June 1, 2012

woot~ The Girl in my Bed sequel.

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The sun hid behind cottony clouds

Up above the stars brightly shone

The sky painted itself in dark blue

Where the crescent moon stayed up alone

All night I refused to succumb

To the tempting call of sleep desire

Waiting for her to appear again

I closed the lights to feel her presence

I yearn to touch her face and feel

That cold fingertips causing tingling

I yearn to see her eyes so deep

So deep that I drown in curiosity

Again I lay my head on my pillow

Wishing for her to stare at my window

I long to dry those tears in her eyes

Or to hug her tight while she gently cries

I waited 'til the streak of the moonlight

Illuminated her once pale face

As I looked through her unflinchingly

Her eyes so deep let me ignite

I refused to speak and scare her away

Yet the way she moved so light as a feather

Amused me so much that I wanted to ask

How can a dead girl be so beautiful?

She cried no more, her fear disappeared

I came closer and closer and gently

Held her hands so soft and decayed

Pulled her close and  hugged her fervently

She was dead and of that I was sure

Buried memories kept flashing through

My mind so innocent, blameless and pure

No! She can't be, she can't be you

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im still trying to figure out who the girl was. hoho. charot!

well, it's just that i cant end the story yet.

'coz it's not yet over...