June 9, 2012

a simple poem for a special father

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There are times that you get angry at me

Because I'm such a hard-headed girl

There are times that you are so annoying

Especially when you reprimand me

Sorry is not enough to take away

All the hurt and stress that I caused you

But thank you for being there all the time

To discipline me and love me the most

I want to be the best I can be

To give back everything you deserve

I pray to God to bless our family

To keep us safe and in unity

Struggles and problems we can't avoid

But please stay strong and courageous to fight

Don't ever give up, just hold on to God

I trust that He will restore what's broken

Daddy, I love you

Thank God for you

Fate or Faith?

Fate.

Fate is a concept that I just can't understand. I read that it is something that controls your life. It is something that inevitably happens and you just don't have the power to change it because it is already fixed. If that's the case, does it mean that the people I met and everything that's happening in my life befalls in accordance with fate? What if there's something I really want but my parents discouraged me and decided for me instead, does it mean that my parents can change what's destined for me? Or does fate allow them in order for things to happen the way it should be? What if I imposed what I want, does it mean that I changed my fate? Seriously, I can't tell how fate works. I just believe that everything happens for a reason and you choose what you want to be. But then again, there are things that you can't get even if you try hard to.

How will I know what's fated for me? What if I just made myself miserable in trying to decode my fate? How about those aborted babies, those innocent people killed or died accidentally, is it their fate to be deprived of life?  If it does, then fate is selfish. We're living in fate's captivity. What's life's purpose then if there is something that controls our life or something that lets others to steal our lives?

There are many things that life can offer, things that we want and things we don't. Considering that I don't really know how fate works and if it really exists, all I can say is don't let others steer your life. Be courageous enough to fight for what you want. Don't just settle for the thing that's there for you. I'm not saying not to be contented with what you have. What I mean is if you want something, don't be afraid to fight for it. Pursue it! Remember, life is too short to waste so you better be strong enough to take risks to be what you want to be. If you fail, in the end you'll realize that what's meant for you is better than what you want and somehow you'll be proud of yourself that at least you tried rather than settling for what ifs.

Still, life is so complicated. Everyone has their own definition of what life is. Defying fate means controlling your life according to your will but then again, we're not living for our own because there's God above who still has the power over us and His will is sovereign than ours. So does it mean again that we aren't free to choose what our life should be? This is getting more and more circuitous.

To end this, I just want to say,

Live life to the fullest! Don't waste any moment with something or someone you aren't happy with. Life is a gift from God that's meant to give joy and not sorrow.

He gave everyone freedom. It's up to us to choose how to live.

We are in charge of our own lives but we can't control what's happening around us.

Only He can.

I don't have any idea what's fated for me.

Maybe because there's no fate. There's only God.

And God knows best.

Get A Haircut!

One night I dreamt of you. I wasn't thinking about you before I slept. I swear. I tried not to think about you after you left and I promised myself not to communicate. Maybe it's wrong to assume but I'm not that stupid. Well, maybe I assumed too much that I overreacted but nothing changed so, I just wasted my time assuming and yeah, it was kinda stupid to do so. It just left me hanging and confused, with nothing to assert myself. But what can I do? I got nothing.

In my dream, I was chatting and laughing with a college friend when you came. I wasn't expecting you to come so your sudden appearance surprised me. I was stunned yet I didn't let it show. You looked at me. I looked back. I got up from my seat and came closer to my friend. I just ignored you even though I saw in your eyes that you were somehow confused why I didn't even acknowledge you or something. I didn't care. At all. That time. But again, that was a lie.

At first, I never thought I could really do that. To ignore you was hard for me to do but to pretend I was fine was even harder. It wasn't you to blame so don't worry. It was my fault. I just didn't expect myself to fall for something that would just break me apart.

You see, even in my dream I still felt it. The same feeling like in reality. I was so close to crying when I woke up.

True, we became friends just months ago. Maybe, you were thinking that writing you a letter was silly. Maybe, you were thinking that I'm not even serious or maybe I'm just playing around. Maybe, just maybe, I don't matter to you at all.

But the worst thing is I feel so envious. Every time I see her, I find myself so inferior.

I'm just not good enough.

And she has something I don't have, can't have, and will never have.

You know what, if I were her, I will never let you go.

Stupid girl.

Yet I'm grateful still that you didn't end up together.

She doesn't deserve you.

Neither do I.

Ngiti Lang

June 5, 2012

I just wrote a poem for a sad friend.

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Kung naiisip mong ika'y nagiisa
Walang matatakbuhan, maiiyakan
Andiyan lang naman Siya, tumingala ka lang
Hindi ka iiwan at pababayaan

Mahirap magtiwala sa tao kasi
Lahat tayo napapagod, nanghihina
Nagbabago ang isip at nadarama
Nagsasawa at naghahanap ng iba

Wala man akong magagawa upang
Mapawi ang lungkot sa iyong puso
Tandaan mo na kahit anong mangyari
May kadahilanan at layunin ito

Kung hindi mo man maunawaan
Sa takdang oras ipapaliwanag ko
Basta ngiti ka lang at wag malumbay
Sayang ang oras na igugugol mo

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I hope she gets better.

Once Upon A Time...

when I was so broken.

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Unforeseen meeting at the most unexpected time

Inexorable regret from what I did last night

Deflects my attention that no matter how I deny

Waves of our memories drift into my mind

Lingering emotions are indecipherable

Trying to resist his inherent temptation

To save myself from getting into trouble

If I give in again to Lucy’s persuasion

Lord, You’re my deliverer and my Light

You cast away all the sins that I hide

You wiped my tears and hugged me tight

Because You are God, without You I’m blind

Make known to me Your ways that are true

I hunger for Your love, I feel so blue

There’s nothing to hold on to but Your promises

Surround me with angels and fill me with Your presence

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and He healed me.

There’s no reason to doubt that He will again heal me from this brokenness.

He Will Be There

What do you do when you feel sad? When you're alone? When you're depressed and have no one to lean on? Do you cry? Do you sleep and ignore the sadness? Or do you feel sadder because you entertain the notion that you're really sad?

In my case when I feel sad, I cry. hmm. Well most of the time, I just ignore the feeling and do something else. It actually depends on the reason why Im sad but what I did recently when I felt sad was to cry. Yep. I cried because I cant take it anymore and I didnt mind those people around seeing me alone at the corner of the table, holding my cell phone and eating a delicious, fluffy mamon. I had no one to talk to that time and I didnt want to disturb anyone. Oh, I sent a message to my best friend though saying how sad I was and she did reply. She suggested that I read books instead or to study my lessons but that time, I didnt have a book. Crap. and I was dead tired to read. My mind was so preoccupied with nonstop popping up of to-dos for tomorrow. Oh really? Well, it's better not to tell what's truly popping up in my mind that time. So going back to the story, I finished my food and drank 2 glasses of water. I somehow felt good. Next, I went to the rest room and stared at myself in the mirror. I looked like trash. Oh no! I combed my hair and put powder on my pale face. I still had a work that afternoon and I cant afford to look bleak. My student is too handsome and as his teacher, I should make an effort to look good also. ha!

After our tutorial, it rained so hard. I went home wet, weary and superduper hungryy yet I was glad for accomplishing all my goals for that day. I ate my heavy dinner and rested for a while. I watched the news and checked my fb. I was planning to write a blog post about the preaching last Sunday but I lost so much energy to think well enough. I browsed the fb instead. I wasted a few minutes reading my friend's posts, commenting and liking some, listening to the radio and laughing at the DJ's corny jokes until I got bored. I randomly clicked on my notes and found myself typing something else instead of the preaching that I planned to share. I didnt stop though 'coz my tears were already insistent. It did hurt. A lot. Again. Then I began to sob. I closed my laptop and prayed to God, asked Him why I was feeling that way again. Why? What was wrong? It surprised me. I thought I was okay but no. I was definitely not.

I didnt want to disturb my best friends for I knew they have their own problems too so I opened my bible, hoping to read anything that could ease the pain and then I saw this verses from Jeremiah chapter 33,

2 This is what the LORD says, he who made the earth, the LORD who formed it and established it—the LORD is his name:

3 ‘Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.’...

8 I will cleanse them from all the sin they have committed against me and will forgive all their sins of rebellion against me...

11 ...  “Give thanks to the LORD Almighty, for the LORD is good; his love endures forever.” 

            For I will restore the fortunes of the land as they were before,’ says the LORD.

I know that promise from the very start. I believe that Im healed already. Im totally forgiven for all my sins. God took away all the pain and gave me new life but there is still this vestige of the past that keeps on haunting me, pulling me back to the days when we were together, the days when I left God for such relationship.

Im already restored, am i not? Yes, I already am.

Our great God had cast my sins into the depths of the sea.

Micah 7:19 - You will again have compassion on us; you will tread our sins underfoot and hurl all our iniquities into the depths of the sea

So from now on, every time I think of you, I just thank God. Sometimes, I still cry. It still hurts but Im not losing hope that someday, Id be completely okay. Someday... I jst need to trust God and to love Him with my whole heart.

Philippians 1:3 - I thank my God every time I remember you.

'Coz when I do, I remember how God loves me so much by not letting me drown in the darkness of your love. Oh scratch that. it wasn't love. What we had was mere garbage. It was useless. It was nothing but a piece of crap that should be thrown far far FAR awayyy..

Yours truly,

Elein

She Was Dead And So Are You

June 1, 2012

woot~ The Girl in my Bed sequel.

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The sun hid behind cottony clouds

Up above the stars brightly shone

The sky painted itself in dark blue

Where the crescent moon stayed up alone

All night I refused to succumb

To the tempting call of sleep desire

Waiting for her to appear again

I closed the lights to feel her presence

I yearn to touch her face and feel

That cold fingertips causing tingling

I yearn to see her eyes so deep

So deep that I drown in curiosity

Again I lay my head on my pillow

Wishing for her to stare at my window

I long to dry those tears in her eyes

Or to hug her tight while she gently cries

I waited 'til the streak of the moonlight

Illuminated her once pale face

As I looked through her unflinchingly

Her eyes so deep let me ignite

I refused to speak and scare her away

Yet the way she moved so light as a feather

Amused me so much that I wanted to ask

How can a dead girl be so beautiful?

She cried no more, her fear disappeared

I came closer and closer and gently

Held her hands so soft and decayed

Pulled her close and  hugged her fervently

She was dead and of that I was sure

Buried memories kept flashing through

My mind so innocent, blameless and pure

No! She can't be, she can't be you

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im still trying to figure out who the girl was. hoho. charot!

well, it's just that i cant end the story yet.

'coz it's not yet over...