Hell

I heard a saying that true friends understand you, that they will always be there for you no matter what but now I just noticed that is not definitely true. How can my true friends understand me if I can’t understand even my own self?

HOPE.. They say that this world is full of hope. Well, when it comes to hoping I can hope forever but the question is, until when will I hope? until there’s no life left in me? until I realized that everything I hoped for is a LIE?!

Do I need a reason to feel alone, sad, and weak? Aren’t they enough to explain why I feel this way? Why I feel worthless and miserable? Do I need to have a CERTAIN reason?! Do I?!

Sometimes, even if the answer is already in front of your face waiting to be noticed, there will be a time that you’ll feel that uncertainty. The doubt that you never think you’ll ever feel. Yes, I doubt myself. I doubt everyone around me. Maybe I’m right.. Somehow.. That I can’t trust anyone.. Even the closest person I have. Even me, myself..

I’m in hell.. Fire is burning inside my body and no one can see it.. Only myself and the One above.. But what hurts me is that I don’t know how to seek help from Him..

Strangle me..

I don’t want to breathe..

I want to be numb..

Kill me instead..

If life-after-death is true, where will I go?

Where do I want to go?

I want to go to heaven.. Everyone does.. But how could I go there if in this world “full of hope”, EVIL reigns? That even a Christian like me is being devoured..

Where is the LOVE? I can’t feel it.. I just CAN’T.