March 19, 2013
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Hiding under the rain
Looking up above
The clouds hid the sun
I long for its warmth 
like how I long for you
But just like this song
Just like the rain
I can't stop singing
Singing for you
Pouring out my feelings ignored
Telling you how much I can't stand
The way you look at her
The way you smile
My heart cries
But I will not stop
Until you hear my voice
It's never too late
Or never a waste
To wait for us 
Being together
And to dream a dream 
That's always been you...

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Last night I just did something that I regret. I ignored something, believing that it may just hurt me or evoke unnecessary feelings last night that I totally didn't need since I was busy and annoyed doing my report for today which fortunately, was moved next week because my group-mate said that ma'am announced just today that she will be attending a meeting during our class hours. I'm so happy! Haha. Going back, so there, I kept myself from listening, afraid that I will get hurt in the end, but when the moment came that I was ready to hear whatever it was, I was surprised to see that it was already gone and I lost the chance to listen to whatever it might convey.

It did bother me. If only I can turn back time, I will definitely face my fear of getting hurt in the process of listening rather confusing the situation more with these hanging questions Most of us choose not to listen to avoid getting hurt, ayt? But I just realized now that it is more important to know what the other might say than to close my ears and go away. We all have reasons why we do something so maybe, just maybe, she has reasons that I can't understand for now. All I have to do is to wait, focus on the things that I should do and pray. 

"Do nothing out of selfish ambitions or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others." - Phil. 2:3-4

People come into our lives for a reason. You just can't push them away when they hurt you. 

Silence is the best way to keep emotions from boiling up. You don't want to push away someone you held on to for so long. 

But let's admit it: It's easier to get mad and walk away than to keep calm and stay. 

It's easier to hate someone and save yourself from all the hurt but when you remember the days you spent just to build whatever you guys have, you realize they're still worth it. Hey, you've gone too far. Would you waste everything you did to win someone and just lose him/her just because of your temporary emotions?

It's annoying. Really, I get that. You feel it's not worth keeping anymore. You feel bad. You're not happy. But why realize it just now? Is it too late or not yet too late to go away?

You can't decide. You weigh things up. It's hard to say everything you feel, much more when even you can't find the exact words to describe them and much much more when you lack the opportunity to say them. And the hardest? When he/she doesn't even bother to listen.

For now, just remain silent. Refrain from saying hurtful and offensive words. Don't turn a hair. Remember, you chose this. Only you can save yourself from this situation. Of course, God will. What I meant is you only have the choice and to act on it. 

What is wrong with me?

How I see myself is totally different from how others see me. I definitely know that. We perceive the same things uniquely and it depends on how we are taught and on our experiences in life. As we grow older and get mature, we learn to construct our own perception of everything that happens around us and of the people we get to meet everyday. 

Who I think is ordinary may be special to another. Someone who is special to me may see me as ordinary. Again, it's because we treat people differently based on how we perceive them. Nobody cares unless they see our worth but we don't need to waste time proving ourselves to them because truly enough, there is just One great and powerful up there who loves us unconditionally and that's more than enough to prove that we are indeed special and priceless.

If you find it difficult to let go, 

just think of how long you've been stupid enough to hold on. 

You always deserve better :)

I deserve better. But still, I can't easily understand why some person can't see the best in me. Or worse, I seem nothing to them even though I try hard to prove myself.

True, no one's perfect. But at least I know my worth and I know hers yet who am I to judge? I'm not in the right position to tell who's better because it depends on how people perceive us. 

I'm just confused now and intrigued. That's all.

Such a lame post. I'm just writing whatever runs through my mind, trying to reassure myself.

What am I doing? What's just so wrong with me?

Fudge. ANSWER ME! 

Whenever you feel worthless to someone, remember that God's love for you is priceless. And that's all that matters.

That's all that should matter.

*sigh*

But still, it's so disappointing to realize that I mean so nothing to the person whom I treasure so much. Sometimes I just want to leave and never come back but I can't. I just can't waste everything I did to abandon the friendship I tried hard to build. Actually, I'm used to it but for now, I think this is too unfair. 

People come and go. Maybe today I want to go for a while.

It's hard to keep someone who never even bothered to care.

Insensitive. 

It's never an accident to fall into the same pit again. 

I thought it's all over. For a long time I indulged myself into things that will preoccupy me to forget the feelings that will go nowhere. But it just took me a little time to prove that what I thought I've already forgotten is just here hiding deep inside me. It still lingers within. It's confusing, really.

*sigh*

So stupid and careless. 

"I just need a little of your time

A little of your time

To say the words I never said..."

- Maroon 5, A Little Of Your Time

There are things that I just can't understand, things that I can't explain. I just feel them and let them stay.

There are things that I just do without even thinking. Actually, I still got a bit surprised when I found myself off to somewhere when in fact, I had to prepare and rest for my exam tomorrow. Funny. Yet I know deep inside that even if I stayed for a while to think and decide if I will go or not, I will still choose to go. Funny yet stupid but that's just the way it is. I go for the things that make me happy even if it's just for a moment.

Friends go but memories stay forever. And those I will cherish the most. 

I was once taught that the heart is the most deceitful of all things and nobody understands it. But most of the time, it is also through the heart that we become sure of what we feel. 

Maybe even if I try hard to deny, that certain person will always be special to me. 

I just need a little of our time to prove it.