Rant

July 23, 2013

This time I want to run away and just disappear.

I hate you. I really do.

Manhid ka.

Hindi ko alam. Hindi ko na alam. 

It is my fault. I should not blame you for this. I chose this. I do things for you 'coz it makes me happy every time I help you. But... I don't know. This is wrong. 

Nasasaktan mo na ako. Mali. Nasasaktan na ako. At hindi mo alam iyon.

Nagseselos ako pero hindi naman dapat. 

This is insane. I'm insane. I'm irrational. I can't think right.

You consume me. I'm breaking down.

Siguro kailangan ko nang lumayo.

Kasi mahal na kita.

In denial lang talaga ako. 

The feels... that I just couldn't tell you.

Okay. I'm trying to fit in your world where I feel I don't belong. I hope you could see that because it's indeed a big adjustment for me. It is just not my thing, not my interest but I see how committed you are with that thing and it attracts me more. I know I don't have to help 'coz you certainly don't need mine. Magaling ka eh. Alam mo yan. And the people around you, they are more capable of assisting you. But me? What can I do? 

The point is, I don't want to disappoint you. Hmm, no. Honestly, I'm trying to be a part... I want to be a part of something that is worth your time and makes you happy. Without it, I don't know where to go and where to place myself in your hectic schedule. 

Pathetic.

I hate myself for feeling this.

This should not be the way to spend my last semester.


. 

Dreaming of walking away... from you

June 13, 2013

One day, someday, you wouldn't have to appear 
in my dreams late at night

But I have to say, 
having you in it is one of the best dreams I've had

You held my hand

Told me you love me,

Though I know it wasn't true

In reality...

So I had to hold back what you expect me to say

Because I can't say it

I don't feel the same way

Not entirely

You got a bit disappointed

I walked away

I wish I were in a dream every time I see you

So I would have the courage to walk away when things go wrong

Not the way it should be

And I wouldn't have to worry about what you'd think

And most especially,

I wouldn't have no regrets of losing you

That I just have to walk away

With no goodbyes

Tongue Tied

June 6, 2012

The moment you left, I knew I had something to say that I can never tell you...
At least not in person.

We're not as close as I thought we were
Things get different when they're around
Awkward.
I'm always hesitant to approach you but still, I do
I try to take up with you
Because I don't want to waste any minute 
But they're watching,
And strangely enough, talking to you appears wrong since I don't belong
I don't know where to stand
Your friends are mere acquaintances to me
And yes, I noticed it doesn't seem right for them
To see us together; chatting, laughing like normal friends
It doesn't feel right
What more if you've finally made up your mind,
Realized where you should be, where you would be happy
And what if I'm not a part of it?
Maybe I should start letting you go
As a friend, I don't know
Because I'm not sure what I mean to you
Maybe I am just right
We're not as close as I thought we were
I feel out of place when they're around
Maybe I'm just a fucking nobody, trying to reach out
Calling you, texting you constantly
And maybe you're just being nice to reply
I'm pretty sure that if I stopped,
You wouldn't even bother
But see, I'm not stopping
You know why?
Because I'm afraid,
Afraid to prove myself right

I might be feeling something more than I can admit - you never can tell.

I heard my office mate crying and I actually saw that she was really crying. Her red, puffy eyes made it more obvious. I wanted so bad to ask her if she's fine but I was so shy. But I swear, giving her something like a cup of water or offering her a tissue roll crossed my mind and bothered me twice or thrice. But. I. Was. Shy. How could I be so timid about doing something good to others?

It felt bad. Really. I could see the misery through her eyes and from her silent sobs. It was heartfelt. But considering that what I'm feeling right now is more than enough to overwhelm me, I could not sympathize with her. She is just strong and bold to face whatever it is that pains her and I am not.

It might be an emotional tug-of-war that I feel for you. I like you but no, I should not like you.

I get over sensitive when it comes to you, especially when you tease me. It's different from everyone else. I can't understand why. Maybe because I'm too conscious of what you think of me, too conscious that I might say and do something wrong that might turn you off. I'm not sure. I'm not trying to please you. Maybe, I do. But no, I just do the wrong things. I can't control it. There's just something about your words, something about your actions that is so hard for me to read. Why are you so reserved? It's like you're hiding something and it frustrates me. 

It's vague. Whatever this is that I'm feeling for you, it's vague. 

*sigh*

"Can't deny that I want you, but I'll lie if I have to..."

May 1, 2013

I notice every little thing you do
I hear you whisper
I hear you mutter,
And because I don't understand a bit of it,
I love it when I try so hard to make you say it again
And then I hear you giggle
That voice, that laugh, they stick in my mind

I listen to every word you say,
to every note you try to hit,
to every song you faintly sing,
when you think no one's listening
But when you're around,
I just do the wrong things
And say the wrong words

I'm not really sure why I'm doing this
All I know is that I want to be a part of it
A part of something that makes you smile
Something that is important to you
Something worth your while
Because without it, I don't know
Maybe I don't matter anymore

I climbed my own wall
And fell on the other side
I'm sorry I didn't mean what I said
It's just that I refuse to admit what I truly feel
And I'd try to hide it every time
Every time you see me smile
Every time you make me blush

I'm sorry I don't know what to do
I can't take it any longer
Just don't get any closer
Even though I want you around
I just don't think it's right enough
It's not right enough to want you so bad
And I hate myself for wanting you so bad

I convince myself not to fall
But you're too damn irresistible
I know this is insane
But please, don't change
I don't know how to do this
But just stay where you are
And don't you ever go away

Don't you ever go away...