You quit when you finally realize it's not worth it.

I'm hurt and disappointed. I want to get mad but I can't.

Because it's not worth it. 

I did things to calm myself and they're not worth it.

What the hell is wrong with me? 

I can't afford to lose you.

Even though I'm deeply wounded and taken for granted,

I still treasure you with the little things I have.

Because believe it or not, I gave you everything I could.

You can never please someone who doesn't appreciate you.

Even if you give your all, it would be nothing to him.

So just runaway and save yourself from more hurt.

I have these quotes in mind. Advices that I could tell to someone in need.

But it's so hard to apply them to myself.

Indeed, I just can't runaway... But I want to.

I really do.

I'm just not yet ready to lose you...

But you're not worth it.

They told me so.

It is Only Just a Dream

October 10, 2012

for creative writing purposes

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I never expected the surprise visit of my college friends today. I wasn't prepared especially when I saw him with them. Him? Oh no?! Oh yes! Ha! I didn't see him for months and I missed him so much. I was kinda hoping to spend time with him today. My brother's room was the only room clean enough for them to stay. Our furniture were scattered all around the sala because it was getting some remodeling and fixing. So now they were already having fun inside my brother's room. It was just weird because I wasn't really close with them. I mean, where were my batchmates? They were 1 year ahead of me. Anyway, when you are in a dream, you can't control who you meet, where you meet and why you meet them. Yes, apparently, I was in a dream.

They had fun without me. They were all chatting inside the room without even calling for my presence. What the?! I can't understand why were they even here. A friend inside the room sent me a text message saying that they were talking about something confidential and I should not hear it. This was insane. I played the piano instead but I can't play properly as I saw him with them having fun. I was glad at least he was here. I kept on playing the piano and after several unfinished pieces, they closed the door. Wow. So what now? I waited for them. I stayed in my room until the sky got dark. At last, they opened the door and let me come inside. We chatted for a while and not more than an hour later, they were prepared to go. They all left except him who was still in the room.

"Hey, aren't you going home with them?" Confused and giddy at the same time, I asked.

"Ahmm, I need to talk to you." He said poker-faced while changing his clothes. Why the hell was he changing his clothes? And now he was wearing a see-through shirt. What was his problem?

"Okay then. What about?" I walked to my room and was more surprised to see him following me. I opened my cabinet randomly just to distract myself. I was in love with him and I was still in love with him until this moment. He sat on my bed, his face still straight.

"You should stop it." He started.

"Stop what?" So now I was more confused.

"Stop liking me. Stop loving me. Whatever it is that you feel towards me." He was serious. His words slapped me on my face. I knew he can't reciprocate my feelings but I didn't care. I wasn't asking for anything and besides, even though I loved him, he was still my friend. I had come to accept that so now I can't understand why he was telling me this. No words came out of my mouth. I was thinking of telling him about him, my current boyfriend, but what will I say? Hey I have a boyfriend and you don't have to worry about my feelings for you. I have it in control and I'm moving on. Naaah. So lame. Telling him about him will just show how desperate I was to divert this feelings that was obviously for him only. Keeping my mouth shut will be the best decision for now. I wasn't yet over him. So without hesitation, I went outside with him following me and after minutes that seemed like forever for me to absorb, he bid me goodbye with his see-through shirt. I had no idea where he got that and why he was wearing that. WTF.

So this was what I was pondering about. He asked me to stop loving him. That wasn't his exact words but that was the implication. 

"Ihinto mo na yang nararamdaman mo sa akin."

He was my friend but I can't deny that I was still madly in love. Maybe he was saying that I can't be JUST friends with him when I still have this feelings. But no, I can't lose him. Not now. Not ever.

I don't usually wake up early in normal days. I didn't have class today but I woke up at 7:30 am to meet my friend and give her their tickets. I didn't wash my hair because I was cold. I'm still sick. I wore my new pink and gray jacket and off I went to Philcoa. In Mcdonald's, I met her and her cousin. Good thing she liked the tickets. She can't NOT like it. I slept late to print and cut the 500 tickets though she didn't ask me to cut them. I just did because I started it already. I didn't want to give it to her unfinished. My right thumb is numb until now because of the hours I spent cutting them last night. I completely underestimated the 500 tickets yet I enjoyed cutting. haha.

I ate my lunch the moment I got home and I went to my uncle's house to get his test papers. I will check them as I used a lot of his ink last night to print the tickets because my printer is not yet fixed. After lunch, I felt sleepy so I dozed off for a while. I planned to get up by 3 pm but as usual, I kept on pressing the snooze button of my alarm so I woke up at 4:30 pm instead. I should be reading for my exam on Friday or checking my uncle's test papers but I can't move on from my dream. So here I am, blogging my activities for today and pondering what the dream means.

I'm just so hot today. Feverishly hot I mean. I feel so dizzy with this non-stop runny nose. I tried to do my paper but unfortunately, my mind wasn't working. I slept in the afternoon instead and woke up with my clothes drenched in sweat. I didn't get any better but at least I had more strength to think and do my paper. Still, I wasn't in the mood to write anything academic. I minded my friend's ticket instead and looked for photoshop geeks who can help me edit the lame ticket. HAHA. Then after several hours of waiting while drafting my paper, BOOM! We have a totally overhauled ticket that's far far better than the original. Yey!

Nothing special happened today but I'm happy.

I'm happy because I helped this special friend.

Tomorrow's another day of UP Hellweek.

I can do this! I'll get better tomorrow.

I can't afford to be sick. Not with 2 exams and papers ahead of me. 

I make mistakes. Always. I can't stop it. It's too enticing. Adventure and curiosity are the things that make my life challenging yet miserable at the same time because at the end of the day, I'm not happy with what I've done. Maybe happy but not genuinely happy. It doesn't last. I try new things just to experience them without thinking of the consequences or the cost I might pay. So here I am, full of guilt and regrets. I can't move on. I'm stuck. Yet again, everyday is a new beginning. It's never too late to come back to where I belong.

I have friends. I have a lot of them. But I just need one to understand and help me guide my way back. I need her, my friend whom I ignore sometimes because I thought she's too good compared to me and she's not the kind of friend that I want to be with but I was wrong. She never leaves. She's just around when I need her. She's a blessing to me and I proved it again when one Sunday I can't take what's bothering me any longer and she's the first one who came into my mind. I didn't tell her what my problem is but she knows. She knows...

I was wrong again when I told myself that I will change and prove to them that I can do it without their help. 

I fall. I fall again. I fall again and again.

I can't do it all alone.

But I don't want to be a burden to her, to them.

I'm such a weakling.

Yes definitely, I would do anything for you.

You're making me change my mind.

I need time to think and decide.

And you're a big part of it.

I just don't wanna lose what we have.

We're friends. I treasure it.

But I'm not yet over you.

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stereo hearts

I never knew I was in love with you until you left and were so far far away from me. 

I didn't know why and how. All I know is that you make me feel something I can't feel from others. 

I do things I don't normally do for others and I do them without asking anything in return. Well, I want to be with you. I want you but I can't have you. Still, I am here for you.

Whatever I say, you will never understand my feelings but don't worry I'm moving on.

Yet I still love you...

I'm grateful that we're friends.

Time will come when these feelings will disappear like shadows in the dark.

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stereo hearts