What do you do when you feel sad? When you're alone? When you're depressed
and have no one to lean on? Do you cry? Do you sleep and ignore the sadness? Or
do you feel sadder because you entertain the notion that you're really sad?
In my case when I feel sad, I cry. hmm. Well most of the time, I just ignore
the feeling and do something else. It actually depends on the reason why Im sad
but what I did recently when I felt sad was to cry. Yep. I cried because I cant
take it anymore and I didnt mind those people around seeing me alone at the
corner of the table, holding my cell phone and eating a delicious, fluffy
mamon. I had no one to talk to that time and I didnt want to disturb anyone. Oh, I sent a message to my best friend though saying how sad I was and she did
reply. She suggested that I read books instead or to study my lessons but that time, I didnt have a book. Crap. and I was dead tired to read. My mind was so preoccupied
with nonstop popping up of to-dos for tomorrow. Oh really? Well, it's better
not to tell what's truly popping up in my mind that time. So going back to the
story, I finished my food and drank 2 glasses of water. I somehow felt good. Next, I went to the rest room and stared at myself in the mirror. I looked like
trash. Oh no! I combed my hair and put powder on my pale face. I still had a
work that afternoon and I cant afford to look bleak. My student is too handsome
and as his teacher, I should make an effort to look good also. ha!
After our tutorial, it rained so hard. I went home wet, weary and superduper
hungryy yet I was glad for accomplishing all my goals for that day. I ate my
heavy dinner and rested for a while. I watched the news and checked my fb. I
was planning to write a blog post about the preaching last Sunday but I lost so
much energy to think well enough. I browsed the fb instead. I wasted a few
minutes reading my friend's posts, commenting and liking some, listening to the
radio and laughing at the DJ's corny jokes until I got bored. I randomly
clicked on my notes and found myself typing something else instead of the
preaching that I planned to share. I didnt stop though 'coz my tears were
already insistent. It did hurt. A lot. Again. Then I began to sob. I closed my
laptop and prayed to God, asked Him why I was feeling that way again. Why? What
was wrong? It surprised me. I thought I was okay but no. I was definitely not.
I didnt want to disturb my best friends for I knew they have their own
problems too so I opened my bible, hoping to read anything that could ease the
pain and then I saw this verses from Jeremiah chapter 33,
2 This is what the LORD says, he who made the earth, the LORD who formed it
and established it—the LORD is his name:
3 ‘Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and
unsearchable things you do not know.’...
8 I will cleanse them from all the sin they have committed against me and
will forgive all their sins of rebellion against me...
11 ... “Give thanks to the LORD Almighty, for the
LORD is good; his love endures forever.”
For I will restore the fortunes of the land as they were before,’ says
the LORD.
I know that promise from the very start. I believe that Im healed already. Im totally forgiven for all my sins. God took away all the pain and gave me new
life but there is still this vestige of the past that keeps on haunting me,
pulling me back to the days when we were together, the days when I left God for
such relationship.
Im already restored, am i not? Yes, I already am.
Our great God had cast my sins into the depths of the sea.
Micah 7:19 - You will again have compassion on us; you will tread our sins
underfoot and hurl all our iniquities into the depths of the sea
So from now on, every time I think of you, I just thank God. Sometimes, I
still cry. It still hurts but Im not losing hope that someday, Id be completely
okay. Someday... I jst need to trust God and to love Him with my whole heart.
Philippians 1:3 - I thank my God every time I remember you.
'Coz when I do, I remember how God loves me so much by not letting me drown
in the darkness of your love. Oh scratch that. it wasn't love. What we had was
mere garbage. It was useless. It was nothing but a piece of crap that should be
thrown far far FAR awayyy..
Yours truly,
Elein
